Roller Stilettos – Paris

Life is fraught with danger. What with natural disasters, deadly snakes, tropical parasites, undercooked chicken, angry wasps, hot pizza cheese, knife-wielding psychopaths – the list goes on and on.

And the world of fashion is no safe haven either. Take these roller-stilettos for example. Created by luxury French fashion house Saint Laurent, the ‘Anya 100 Patch Pump Rollers’ will cost you a shade under £2000, and very possibly your life.

But, if you’re encumbered with economic hardship, you could alternatively opt for the more thrifty method of disfiguration, and simply smash your own face in with a brick. It’s a little less sophisticated, yet the results almost indistinguishable.

Indeed, it’s only the very bravest of fashion models who dare to parade the runways in these death traps, with attempts often resulting in life-changing injuries and, worse still, the gut-wrenching humiliation of skittering across the catwalk like some crazed newborn giraffe, over the edge and deep into the waiting audience. Utterly undignified.

But should you master the roller-stiletto, you’re sure to be the talk of the town as you glide gracefully down the street or swirl effortlessly around the office like a 1950’s American diner waitress. And your legs will receive all the structural beautification heels bring; superior calf definition, taller and majestic elegance (subject to head to heel coordination).

Plus you’ll be making trips to the bar in half the time, and your weekly trudge around the supermarket will be transformed into a veritable ballet.

Also useful for escaping wasps and psychopaths.